| Wow, 5 years since I have taken the time to sit down and journal some of my most deepest, personal thoughts. I have read back on some of my posts and some included details such as "Will I, and who will I marry? Will I have any kids? If so, how many?" Some of the biggest questions I have asked have been answered in the last 5 years and I couldn't be more blessed with the answers! An incredible husband, two healthy, beautiful kids! Life has been so... *can I say it?*... simple. Until recently... On July 18th Chris and I found out news that would change our lives, our perspectives, our relationship with God and eachother for the rest of our lives. On this day, we found out that our 7 week 5 day old precious baby did not have a heartbeat. After further testing, it was confirmed that our little one was no longer alive and growing inside of me. The first week or so after was spent with countless hours crying, praying, reading, and growing closer to one another and to Jesus. Life was as good as I could have it at that time... a more than supportive husband and the Prince of Peace encompassing my entire being with a peace I never would have imagined being available to me! While we were absolutely hurting and did not seek the answer to "why?" and put our trust in Him, we got hit with the hardest past week of our marriage. Being able to step back from the week I know that it is because I put so much hope in CHRIS rather than in Christ. While I was growing in Christ and quite honestly have felt the closest I have ever felt to Him in my ENTIRE life, I also had the physical presence of a man that loves me supporting me and I relied far too heavily on that. In many ways, my walk of faith at this point had been supplemental to the physical presence of my husband... His kind words, loving embrace, and attentive ear were a huge source of support and comfort to me. The problem is, I ran to Chris again, and again, and again... desiring the source of comfort he offered, I forgot that HE TOO needed sustained... all I was doing was taking and leaving him worn down. What happens when we as humans get worn down? When we are too emotional and also hurting that we cannot sustain another person? We get let down and it is not fair to that person to place such high expectations on them and not allow room for their human nature. Emotionally, I had put him in such a high place that one slip up between us and in my heart he had failed me. I really believe that this was Jesus working on my heart, showing me that while my husband will be my greatest earthly support, my soul mate, the one on this earth that knows me better than any other that he will not be able to meet my every need and to expect that from him is setting myself up for major disappointment. I failed to realize that he is hurting, that he is sorting through all that has happened to us and that even though he has done more than I could have ever expected from a man in emotionally supporting me through his attentive listening, compassion, and willingness to drop whatever he can to help me (in fact, he did TOO much.. who knew it was possible to do TOO MUCH for your wife?! haha)... He too needs sustained. My sustainment must come from Jesus FIRST... I must realize that He never grows weary of hearing the cries of our heart! Chris can be the husband he is meant to be to me on this Earth only when my hope, peace, and foundation is set in Jesus Christ. I can't look to Chris to be perfect because no matter how hard he tries, he is human and I can't expect him to be all of that for me. He isn't supposed to be... he is supposed to be the best example of Jesus that He can be to me on this Earth, and let me tell you - he tries and he is just the most wonderful man! But, the more I step away from this situation I know that I can praise God for blessing me with a man that is the only one on this earth that will understand what this pregnancy, this baby, this situation means to us and how it has drawn us closer to each other while at the same time knowing that ultimately, only Jesus knows the intimate details and emotions that I feel as the one who carried this sweet child for 8 short weeks and bonded with in an unexplainable way... only He knows and can be the ultimate source of comfort and peace... he never grows weary as we as humans do. I have found such comfort in this song. It is called "No One Else Knows" by Building 429. God knows how true this song is to my heart... My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands Lord, you know my heart. You know how much I hurt right now.. how much I miss our sweet baby and the joy and expectation that went into this pregnancy... I thank you and praise you for only bringing good out of our deepest pains. If only knowing you deeper and falling more in love with you was the purpose of this, I view that as all the "good" that I need, Jesus! I know that this is a part of our story for a reason and that this experience will make me better for you! Thank you for working in mysterious ways and for wrapping me in your perfect peace. May I have the strength to choose you daily when my human nature and emotions try to take control. I love you Jesus! It is really neat because a couple of weeks before all of this came about, my dear friend Leah Wood began sending me daily devotions from the book "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. A couple of days after all of this had happened, I went to the Christian bookstore and bought it. It is entitled "Jesus Calling - Enjoying Peace in His Presence." Throughout all of this, I can continually come back to his "peace." I want to share this devotional before I close this entry... "Understanding will never bring you peace. That's why I have instructed you to trust in me, not in your understanding. Human beings have a voracious appetite for trying to figure things out, in order to gain a sense of mastery over their lives. But the world presents you with an endless series of problems. As soon as you master one set, another pops up to challenge you. The relief you had anticipated is short-lived. Soon your mind is gearing up again: searching for understanding (mastery), instead of seeking Me (your Master). The wisest of all men, Solomon, could never think his way through Peace. His vast understanding resulted in feelings of futility, rather than in fulfillment. Finally, he lost his way and succumbed to the will of his wives by worshipping idols. My peace is not an elusive goal, hidden at the center of some complicated maze. Actually, you are always enveloped in Peace, which is inherent in My Presence. As you look to Me, you gain awareness of this precious Peace." |
What an awesome God we serve!! Hope everyone's doing great!
